Saturday, March 08, 2003

A very selfish moment


If I were brave enough to kill myself I would have done so a long time ago. I see no point in living but I fear dying more than I regret living. It is not death itself I fear, it is more like the moment when I have to pass on before being free of my physical self. In death I believe that I would find peace. There will be no more worries, wants or needs. I will be free to explore the cosmos and learn the secrets of the universe. Ha! It won't be secret if it could be known to anyone, even a soul. But then, I think that souls know everything already and it is just the physical world that hinders the soul because of established trends or ways of thinking.
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Friday, October 26, 2001

Renewal


I always thought that inspirational stories were fiction written by well meaning folks to inspire us in our daily lives, but it never really happened. That is, until today.
Last night, I started working on this homepage. I was so engrossed on what I was doing that I did not realize it was already four o'clock in the morning. I forced myself to go to bed because I had to drive my sister to school before seven, but I tossed and turned and finally fell into a fitful sleep around 6 a.m. only to be rudely awakened a few minutes later. I woke up with a nasty headache and with a temper to match. I felt resentful that I had to drive my sister to school when she was old enough and was capable to go by herself. I kept thinking that I went to school by myself during kindergarten and here she was, a high school student, and she had to be driven to school.
I growled and scowled all the way to the garage. Luckily, my mother left for work before I got outside else I would have had an earful of sermons. I started the car and backed out of the driveway without even bothering to warm the engine, I just want to get it over and done with so that I could return to sleep. I was in a rush that I nearly crashed into another vehicle while turning a corner. I hated driving early in the morning because I have very poor reflexes when I'm sleepy. Knowing this I snapped out on my mental tantrum and concentrated on driving instead but the scowl never left my face. Minutes later I blew a tire. Man! what a way to start a day. Talk about waking on the other side of the bed. I pulled over and growled to my sister to start walking. I walked her to a jeepney stop and gave her the ten pesos I always keep on my license's jacket. To make matters worse that was the only money I had on me. I had to walk back home and I was fuming!
While walking, the sun kept getting into my eyes, which were mere slits from lack of sleep. I began to notice my surroundings. The sunlit road, the warm balmy wind blowing my hair, the green leaves sparkling under the sun... slowly with each step I take, my temper cooled, I felt as if a load was being removed and I felt lighter. Out of nowhere a thought came to mind... I should thank God for blowing my tire! I knew then and there that if I had continued on, the chances of me being caught up in a vehicular accident was high. For the first time in my life, at that very moment I truly believed that God does love me and I felt that I had His attention and He was looking at me. It felt good. I knew I had to share this, though it may sound corny or meaningless to some people.